I understand that eventually I will understand.
And I know I'll solve this, so I'm not going to sweat how.
Right now there is this breeze, this cup of coffee, this moment. Be dramatic if you must but hysterics aren't going to do anything to move us forward so I sit here and be calm.
The problem, being of my making, the solution will be too. There's no point obsessing over little details of what was said when or to who. I will make this right, because that is what I do. This is who I am.
I have this breeze. I have this coffee.
I understand that, eventually, I will understand why this challenge has been placed before me. Til then, I look at it. All of it. I walk around it, curious, smiling. If the problem is of my making so too is the solution.
Happy warrior time. Even if I have no idea how this will work out, no matter how shitty, all I see here is a chance to grow. Be better. Get stronger. I observe it curiously. With love. Happy warrior time. It's better than panic. It's better than fear. It's better then second guessing every choice you've made and plotting out endless contingencies fire every choice you can make from here.
It is a lovely breeze.
It is an excellent cup of coffee.
It's hardest to get over myself, to get out of my head, to stop thinking woe dehell is me when I'm tired.
When I'm tired everything becomes math... number of hours of work left til the weekend, number of hours off between the jobs, how long until I eat next, how long have I been awake? How long will I have before I get to go to sleep next? How long is that sleep? What if I can't sleep? What if that five hours becomes three? And you work another twelve hours tomorrow? How many hours does that take off the back end of your life?
It's hard to recognize the ridiculousness of your thoughts when you're tired and your "Survival" brain takes over. It's all statistics and anecdotes, stories and snippits you've heard of sleep deprivation and fear and ridiculous thoughts of ridiculous situations that may never arrive but when you're tired your brain knows you're not focused so it is going to do nothing but parade the worst case scenarios out in front of you and...
So I'm taking a moment.
I'm sitting on a ridiculously cold (okay, no, not ridiculously cold for early March but a bit cold compared to what the last few weeks have been) bench in a snow heavy park looking at the sun trying it's best to bust through the cloud cover and I'm trying to breathe. It is good cold. Not the wet miserable wet and snowy cold that makes bones hurt. This is the crisp make everything gorgeous to look at cold.
My brain is ridiculous when I just let it go. The truth of the matter is yesterday was a good day. I didn't get a lot of sleep, true, but I read a couple of chapters of a really good book instead and had a really substancial meal and a hot shower and my batteries are actually fairly charged from the week. A cup of coffee before the book store this afternoon will take the foggy edge off and I will be fine. And when I go home tonight I will more then make up for the slept I've lost so really, brain, what the hell are you on about?
It all becomes math when I get tired and that is ridiculous. I can spend the morning being miserable thinking about the numbers and whining about how tired I am or I can take a deep breath of this air and watch those squirrels trying to run on the frozen puddle and I can listen to the children laughing at the snow dog that someone made overnight and I can just be here and enjoy here.
Today is looking to be a good day.
I'm grateful to have it.
It's hardest to get over myself, to not take myself too seriously when I'm tired. I guess I have an inner toddler that just gets cranky at bed time. No matter. Today is going to be a good day. I am grateful to have it. And I am going to spend as much of it just breathing, and seeing, and enjoying my meals, and enjoying my work, and having good conversations with other people who have bags under their eyes and look as rough as I probably do.
I'm just going to breathe, and see, and smell, and touch and feel.
And have nothing to do with math.
(apologies, of course, to the book store who may have some problems with that declaration when I try to settle the cash after close tonight.)